In the digital age, our quest for truly exceptional metal is an exercise in sifting through an endless deluge of mediocrity. New bands spawn like bacteria in a leftover petri dish, churning out albums that range from utterly abysmal to grudgingly tolerable. The vast majority are little more than carbon copies of their idols, utterly oblivious to the essence of what made those legends great. Others, in their desperation to stand out, resort to gimmickry or ham-fisted genre splicing, resulting in sonic monstrosities best left to the obscurity they deserve.
Modern metal is a lost cause, and these three albums serve as irrefutable proof. Be it black metal, death metal, or grindcore, there is just too much truth to the old saying that "Anything post-1994 belongs in a toilet."
Modern Metal Monstrosities That Shouldn't Exist
Let's be clear. When done right, extreme metal is the best music ever. Period. But when left in the hands of the incompetent, the poser, and the dishonest, the results are often very cringe... if not downright mallcore.
Here a three examples of why modern metal has lost both its edge and reason to exist.
Tsjuder - "Helvegr"
The missing link between black metal and The Village People has finally been found! A young band completely enamoured with Burzum and Neraines that follows their aesthetic in both performance and execution thoroughly. "Helvegr" tries hard to imitate Tsjuder's idols: the melodic choruses, acoustic guitars, streams of tremolo picked riffs and even the nu-Burzum spoken word parts. Even the outline of the arrangements on "Fenrir Prowling" are followed methodically, like a carbon copy. Hell, even the "Hvis Lyset Tar Oss" Norwegian song titles are kept intact; but the issue is that this band communicates nothing and is just a Z-rated re-interpretation of a specific style of black metal. It's quite a sad statement for a genre that wanted to be the most vile and extreme artform possible ("Deathcrush", "Aske", "Pure Holocaust", "Fenrir Prowling") but ended up like a joke that has been going for far too long ("Helvegr").
Replace with: "Hvis Lyset Tar Oss" by Burzum, the original master of this style.
Watain - "The Agony & Ecstasy of Watain"
Starting with the kind of pointless intro Dissection would use on their later outings, that is until two random tremolo picked Burzum riffs appear and never stop as the last ever castrati, the literal midget Erik Danielsson, graces us with his cringey vocals that are neither intense, melodic, vicious nor anything really. He yelps randomly for no reason as the music transforms into third rate Mayhem worship. Sometimes we are treated to old man groans as Little Erik tries to add more variety in his vocals. "The Agony & Ecstasy of Watain" is an extremely tedious listen, as Danielsson's vocals alternate between an emo whine and an angry processed Limp Bizkit whisper with lyrics written by a 10 year old who just discovered rhymes (ex: "fearless like wolves we shall stand, before the Goat in the fires of Satan's victory land" from the song "Black C-nt").
Replace with: "Memento Mori" by Marduk, for non-cringe Swedish black metal.
Must read: How Slamming Gore Took Over Death Metal!
Immolation - "Acts of God"
Typical dissonant NY death metal makes way for Pantera groove as Ross Dolan of all people starts rapping some retarded lyrics until a breakdown appears and a chorus taken from any Slipknot album and the breakdown never ends as the only death metal riff shows its head, only to vanish into thin air and Dolan to drop the rapped punchline "Pray for those you've preyed upon" (pray... prey... so clever). "Acts of God" is so bad that Bob Vigna has actually denied appearing on the album at all - and understandably so - but the truth is that he's the only playing the Pantera chugs to accompany Dolan's attempt at rap rock. Nu metal and death metal don't mix, and "Acts of God" is a good reminder why.
Replace by: "To the Depths in Degradation" by Infester.
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